Shisan: My Aching Back (Links #3 – #4)

Response to Link #3 (the daisan):

Again, let me first thank the five poets who jumped in and offered their words for the daisan. Without you, their is no moving forward. And each of these poems offers a way forward…

In re-reading the hokku and the wakiku, I have made the decision to flip the order of the images in Lyndon’s verse. For me, this adds an even greater musicality to the poem.

So now to the daisan, the break away verse…

Ashley moves us inside the shed, where we (almost immediately?) assume the rake was stored, only to find ourselves removing a dropcloth from some old paintings. This discovery adds a richness to the image and successfully shifts us away from the earthiness of leaves and raking.

Lee-Anne moves us inside behind venetian blinds, where in the darkness, she comes to the realisation, there are many moons.

[I want to take the time to point out that while this is image works well on its own, it brings the moon into the poem one verse too soon, as Link #4 calls for an appearance (or at least the hint of an appearance) from the winter moon.]

Andy places us at lizard height on the road, with the echo of oncoming traffic rippling in our ears.

Mal, sounds a seemingly distant siren as the cold metal burns and Cindy introduces a second person to the poem, then tears the breath from our chest as words are left to hang in the crisp night air.

I tossed and turned between two of these poems, but in the end, settled on Ashley’s ‘in the shed’ for its elegant twist.

This means the call is now open for Link #4 – 2 lines winter moon. The moon is a powerful force in haiku and has been called on to do a lot of work in the first 100 years of English language haiku, so let’s leap boldly in the search for a unique take on the moon as it enters the winter sky (and our shisan).

Enjoy!

*****

My Aching Back: Shisan
Started: 15 May 2013 – Finished:
Written between: Matt Hetherington, Lyndon Norton, Ashley Capes

Side 1jo – preface

Link #1 (3 lines) – hokku (autumn)

my aching back
a leaf falls
from a branch

(Matt Hetherington)

Link #2 (2 lines) – wakiku (autumn)

as I put down the rake
the sky darkens

(Lyndon Norton)

Link #3 (3 lines) – daisan (non seasonal)

in the shed
removing a dropcloth
from old paintings

(Ashley Capes)

Side 2ha part one – development

Link #4 (2 lines) – winter  moon
Link #5 (3 lines) – non seasonal
Link #6 (2 lines) – non seasonal

Side 3ha part two – intensification

Link #7 (3 lines) – spring blossom
Link #8 (2 lines) – spring
Link #9 (3 lines) – non seasonal

Side 4kyu – finale

Link #10 (2 lines)- non seasonal, love verse
Link #11 (3 lines) – non seasonal, love verse
Link #12 (2 lines) – ageku (summer)

Advertisements

17 Comments

Filed under poetry

17 responses to “Shisan: My Aching Back (Links #3 – #4)

  1. #4
    grandpa’s shaving mirror
    another winter moon

  2. Melissa Jeffreys

    her crescent navel is exposed
    and I recollect the brisk wind

  3. misswoodhouse

    #4
    we said we would return to
    this scene, moon spilling milk, don’t cry

  4. Melissa Jeffreys

    #4
    her crescent navel exposed
    I recollect our breath frozen in the moonlight

  5. ladpoetry

    #4

    gravy smears the dinner plate
    winter moon

  6. old paint tins stare up at me
    like an old winter moon

  7. broken bone china
    teacup shards of winter moon

  8. #4

    watercolour strokes
    snow from a half moon

  9. patriciaipsa

    # 4
    winter solstice moon
    already a new song calls

  10. Mal

    #4 – two entries as I’m unsure whether “winter moon” has to be used in full or an interpretation – all good learning.

    winter moon
    dusts worn path

    radiating a soft dance
    lunar’s blush

  11. Andy Smerdon

    #4
    stuck up a tree
    winter moon

  12. Wow! Great links and offerings. There’s a real moodiness to this already. Love it.

    #4
    under orders the cold tide
    destroys a landscape

  13. cool! some v interesting responses. i especially liked andy’s:

    stuck up a tree
    winter moon

    keep on keeping on, ye all!

  14. Jonathan

    no sound
    from the starry night

  15. #4
    Apollo rides
    a WW-winter storm

    White Tower crenellations
    traitors’ moon

    our discontent
    toenail clipping before dawn

  16. Pingback: Shisan: My Aching Back (post 1500 on Another Lost Shark) | Another Lost Shark

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s