Response to Link #3 (the daisan):
Again, let me first thank the five poets who jumped in and offered their words for the daisan. Without you, their is no moving forward. And each of these poems offers a way forward…
In re-reading the hokku and the wakiku, I have made the decision to flip the order of the images in Lyndon’s verse. For me, this adds an even greater musicality to the poem.
So now to the daisan, the break away verse…
Ashley moves us inside the shed, where we (almost immediately?) assume the rake was stored, only to find ourselves removing a dropcloth from some old paintings. This discovery adds a richness to the image and successfully shifts us away from the earthiness of leaves and raking.
Lee-Anne moves us inside behind venetian blinds, where in the darkness, she comes to the realisation, there are many moons.
[I want to take the time to point out that while this is image works well on its own, it brings the moon into the poem one verse too soon, as Link #4 calls for an appearance (or at least the hint of an appearance) from the winter moon.]
Andy places us at lizard height on the road, with the echo of oncoming traffic rippling in our ears.
Mal, sounds a seemingly distant siren as the cold metal burns and Cindy introduces a second person to the poem, then tears the breath from our chest as words are left to hang in the crisp night air.
I tossed and turned between two of these poems, but in the end, settled on Ashley’s ‘in the shed’ for its elegant twist.
This means the call is now open for Link #4 – 2 lines winter moon. The moon is a powerful force in haiku and has been called on to do a lot of work in the first 100 years of English language haiku, so let’s leap boldly in the search for a unique take on the moon as it enters the winter sky (and our shisan).
My Aching Back: Shisan
Started: 15 May 2013 – Finished:
Written between: Matt Hetherington, Lyndon Norton, Ashley Capes
Side 1 – jo – preface
Link #1 (3 lines) – hokku (autumn)
my aching back
a leaf falls
from a branch
Link #2 (2 lines) – wakiku (autumn)
as I put down the rake
the sky darkens
Link #3 (3 lines) – daisan (non seasonal)
in the shed
removing a dropcloth
from old paintings
Side 2 – ha part one – development
Link #4 (2 lines) – winter moon
Link #5 (3 lines) – non seasonal
Link #6 (2 lines) – non seasonal
Side 3 – ha part two – intensification
Link #7 (3 lines) – spring blossom
Link #8 (2 lines) – spring
Link #9 (3 lines) – non seasonal
Side 4 – kyu – finale
Link #10 (2 lines)- non seasonal, love verse
Link #11 (3 lines) – non seasonal, love verse
Link #12 (2 lines) – ageku (summer)